its funny.

Im actually excited to get married.

im not engaged or anything, but the whole "marriage" thing excites me.
the whole planing side of it; the venue, the flowers, the jewellery, the dress, the suits, the tables, the music.. ahh.
so yeah.

but also i'm excited to be pregnant, once again i'm not pregnant, but my "mommy" side seems to be coming out, i'm excited for the experience, the attention, the belly. its going to be awesome one day.
i just hope it happens one day, is all.
hopefully someone will want to marry/impregnate me. haha, that sounded so crude.

but i think i'm thinking too far ahead in life, i'm barley out of high school.
which makes me think to my career options.

im good at art and music, i got early acceptance into uni to do art.
but when i think about it, i don't think art would be the best option for me. i don't think i would be happy, i think id be too stresed.

when i think about what would make me happy/makes me happy, i think of music and travelling, i often use to think that i wanted to be a rock star, travel around and have thousands of kids scream back lyrics to me while i rock out.

i still dream of it, but i just think, i don't think i would be cut out for it.
what would make me truly happy would be to be behind the scenes for these great bands.

i want to be a lighting technician, a sound technician, anything like that.
i want to be a major part of the crew.

thats the dream.

so im looking for uni courses that entail those kind of opportunities.
i found one. and it includes graphics design and music as well.
my kind of course.

now that i have been accepted into uni, is it easy to change into this course?
its at the same uni.

ah well.
i dunno.

signing off.

its like im wearing a giant sign that says 'use me' sometimes.
'use me, im not important, im just an object, i dont have feelings, just brush me aside'

im very bitter right now.
and sad and upset.

it seems like everyone has what i want at the moment.
the question is: do i always want what i cant have?
i like to think no.
because this is the first time that its ever happened.
or maybe the second, im not sure.

what the hell am i saying?
it happens so goddamn much.

it just seems like everyone uses me and then when something better comes along, im no longer needed. i wish i was one of the lucky people, i wish i was the 'something better'.
but thats life i guess, but goddamit, cut me some slack.

i can never be with someone i have feelings for, because they never return them, i always put my heart on the line, every time and its always a mistake.

why do i never have feelings for the people that actually have them for me?
life is so goddamn fucked. or my mind is.

god.
i dont even know anymore.
i dont know if i can put up with another 50 years of this, if thats how long im gonna live.
i just need to be with someone that i feel for, that makes my heart jump, makes me get butterflies in my stomach, makes me smile and makes me happy.
im sick of fucking crying over something so goddamn small.

bass bass bass bass bass bass bass bass.

woo.
and im better than you, bitchez!

facebook just isn't cutting it for me anymore.
although i dont know if it ever did.

ill just stick to twitter and here to post my stuff.

im sick everything and everyone on there.

i feel neutral again.

i did something.
well i dont think it was all me.

and it made me feel content and happy.
but its over now.
and something else happened.

and now im back to the neutralness.